NOV. 26TH, BOSTON, MA:
KERRY CELEBRATION OF HIMSELF MAY BE THE KEY
TO OTHER OBNOXIOUS,
SUCCESSFUL MONEY-RAISING EVENTS
Usually the most expensive tickets for an event don't sell in the numbers of less expensive ones.
But John "I've got a plan" Kerry's "celebration of himself" event next month at symphony hall in Boston looks to be an exception to this rule.
The top priced tickets are selling like hot cakes while there's little to no demand for cheap seat tickets, at least outside Kerry's immediate family!
"Of course my kids and Teresa will have to pay." Kerry said. "We're Kerry's, for heaven's sake. Do you think we're a bunch of cheap bastards!?! Besides, they'll be getting a volume discount."
So, how did Kerry do it?
How has he sold so many of the premium priced tickets!?!
Other obnoxious, arrogant, condescending, patronizing, foppish, elitist, irrelevant, repulsive, gold-digging, parasitical, unpopular, unlikable politicians nationwide want to know.
Kerry did it due to the genius of his public relations manager, Russell Scruggs.
"It was just simple reverse-psychology," Scruggs said, "and it worked like a charm!"
And when Russ says "it worked like a charm" he's not just whistling "Dixie." (Actually, I don't think he even knows "Dixie" since it's a criminal offense to teach, sing, hum or even play "Dixie" on the radio at a low volume in the People's Republic of Massachusetts.)
Anyway, his plan worked so well the $4000.00 platinum tickets are flying out the door in record numbers and will soon be gone.
Scruggs' plan? It's simple, really.
Buy a platinum ticket and you don't have to attend!
G E N I U S !!!!!!!!
I've already got mine. Actually, it's rumored that Teresa and other close Kerry family members are seriously considering upgrading to Platinum. Better get your's soon. Otherwise the People's Republic of Massachusetts Youth League will be showing up at your door on the afternoon of Dec. 4th to personally escort you to the great event!