NEWS FLASH! Dec. 4th, 2010, Washington D.C.: As a result of Nancy Pelosi's revelation that collecting unemployment benefits is actually good for the economy the entire U.S. work force has quit, en mass, and started collecting unemployment.
One worker leaving his job at Procter and Gamble in Cincinnati said, "We had no idea we were doing such damage to the economy by staying on the job and being productive. It just shows you how stupid we uneducated louts are and how brilliant someone with an elite education like Ms. Pelosi is. I see now what I missed by not going to college."
Another employee, Ed Riggs, danced and skipped his way to the bus stop after he punched out for the last time. Just as he boarded the 43 to Avondale he looked back as the bus idled and said, "I can't tell you how happy this makes me to think I can benefit my family and the nation by just sitting on my ass and collecting unemployment, and all I have to do is make sure my family spends it all each month. I'm thinking about getting an advance from the Feds and taking the whole family to Disney World for the month. Come to think of it, maybe they'll issue me a Government Unemployee's Credit Card or Debit Card I can use." Ed continued,"It's such a relief to know I'm on the payroll of an institution that can just print all the money it needs without having to worry about earning it. So, Hell, we might just go hog wild in Orlando! Nancy Pelosi for Queen of the World...Okay, Barney Frank for Queen of the world--Nancy can be King-in-Drag. She's wanted that all along anyway. Wu-hu!"
Just before Ed's bus arrived he made a quick detour into Cut-Rate Liquors and bought a shopping cart full of California fizzy. Upon boarding the bus he began passing bottles around to the other passengers, including the bus driver. When asked about drinking and driving the driver shouted over the popping of corks, "Like I might lose my job or something?" he chuckled. "Naaah. Not a problem. This is my last run before I do my patriotic duty and quit."
As he closed the door I could hear his muffled voice shout,"Let's roll!" So, with the sound of singing and the lingering smell of diesel in the late fall air local 43 ambled down the street and turned at the next corner. But the singing could be heard for some time after the bus was out of sight.
Pelosi's economic revelation has not only affected individual workers and local businesses. The effects have been national as well, including the Stock Market hitting an all time high. Further nationwide effects have included the congress holding an emergency session and voting unanimously to drop the Social Security retirement age to 36. It seems their vote was the first ever to be sent in by twitter, since none of them were actually physically present.
Pelosi's economic revelation has not only affected individual workers and local businesses. The effects have been national as well, including the Stock Market hitting an all time high. Further nationwide effects have included the congress holding an emergency session and voting unanimously to drop the Social Security retirement age to 36. It seems their vote was the first ever to be sent in by twitter, since none of them were actually physically present.
None of the Lawmakers could be contacted for comments after the historic vote, but Bernie Sanders did tweet a subscriber,"This early retirement should bring unprecedented prosperity. Socialism forever!" When a fellow socialist tweeted Sanders back, asking him what he planned to do in retirement he responded that he hadn't given it a lot of thought, but then twipped, "But I've always wanted to learn to play the ocarina."
When asked what sort of thinking lead Amerika's first Speakerette to such a brilliant, game-changing revelation she said, "My discovery about the great economic benefits of collecting unemployment wasn't really the result of brilliant economic reasoning––though I'm certainly capable of that. It was much simpler. I just woke up one morning and thought to myself, 'Why should I be struggling with labyrinthine logic, mountains of data and a million niggling little details. Hell, I'm the Speakerette of the House! I'm the most powerful woman in the world, uh, next to Kim Kardashian, of course––but I think everyone understands that. Anyway, I said to myself, 'All I have to do to make something true is simply say it's so!' So I did. And the rest, as we all now know, is history. I only wish I had thought of this before we got our asses kicked on Nov. 2nd."
Pelosi's ass kicking notwithstanding, there's no denying: Happy Days are here again thanks to the economic genius of the soon-to-be-former Speakerette!
When asked what sort of thinking lead Amerika's first Speakerette to such a brilliant, game-changing revelation she said, "My discovery about the great economic benefits of collecting unemployment wasn't really the result of brilliant economic reasoning––though I'm certainly capable of that. It was much simpler. I just woke up one morning and thought to myself, 'Why should I be struggling with labyrinthine logic, mountains of data and a million niggling little details. Hell, I'm the Speakerette of the House! I'm the most powerful woman in the world, uh, next to Kim Kardashian, of course––but I think everyone understands that. Anyway, I said to myself, 'All I have to do to make something true is simply say it's so!' So I did. And the rest, as we all now know, is history. I only wish I had thought of this before we got our asses kicked on Nov. 2nd."
Pelosi's ass kicking notwithstanding, there's no denying: Happy Days are here again thanks to the economic genius of the soon-to-be-former Speakerette!
Believe the ol' Armadillo when he says dear Speakerette's departure can't happen soon enough. Then we'll have even happier days.
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