Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Massachusetts Miracle

Boston. Jan. 19, 2010 (TP)
This morning as the polls opened for the special election to fill the late Teddy Kennedy's senate seat (he was never sober enough to be on time) Bostonians waiting to enter the polls were both shocked and amazed by what they heard and saw. First, there was a low rumble, heard coming from Forest Hills, Baker Street Cemetery, Evergreen Cemetery and many others throughout the city.

Voters soon realized the rumble was caused by graves opening as thousands of deceased Bostonians rose and began walking zombie-like towards their respective polling places. They walked past amazed voters, directly into the polling places, past officials and into the voting booths and proceeded to vote repeatedly until the voting machines showed "TILT."

Of course there is no official confirmation of this, but insiders overseeing the process noted that the deceased citizens voted democratic in overwhelming numbers. One official who insisted on remaining anonymous said, "These spook's voting solidarity is amazing. It reminds me of elections in my home country of Nicaragua. Indeed, it made me feel right at home."

As she left the voting booth, democratic senatorial candidate, Marcia Croakley, commented, "This is nothing but amazing! This proves there is a God, and he's on my side and not the side of the cold hearted Catholic workers in emergency rooms who refuse to participate in the destruction of nascent human life. God is for abortion!"

She said this among shrieks of approval from the New Salem Witches, a local feminist organization, who had gathered there to support Croakley and sacrifice various small animals as offerings for a Croakley victory. Several of the witches complained about having to pay the parking meters where they had parked their brooms. The spokes wiccan protested, "This is nothing but class favoritism. Hillary Clinton did not have to pay to park her broom when she came here during the 2008 campaign. Marcia will fix that if she's elected. Witches park brooms for free!"

When asked about the precedence of such a remarkable event Croakley said, "Oh, no. This has happened many times in the past. Whenever the democratic lock on Massachusetts politics is threatened in any way it seems we get divine assistance. We not only believe in such miracles, we depend upon them and do all we can to make sure they happen. And of course, since this is obviously a divine act no one would ever have the temerity to even suggest these votes should not be counted, and more than once if necessary."

The big question now is will it be enough to help Croakley snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Teddy Kennedy, rising from his plot in Arlington Cemetery to cast an absentee ballot said he was confident this divine act would "put Marcia over the top."

When the former senator was asked how it felt to be clean and sober since his interment last summer he offered no comment, but simply gave that patented Kennedy smile, such as it is now (brrrrrr), and a thumb's up as he descended into his resting place. The senator looked amazingly good, despite the stench of sulphur which seemed to emanate from his every pore. Election officials speculated that his well-preserved appearance was probably largely due to his having almost never been clean and sober in life.

Now all that is left to do is to gather around the HD TV in the evening and see if this Massachusetts Miracle will, indeed, be miracle enough.


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